Disappointment is like the salt of life

I've mulled about making this post for some time now, but I feel that it is a relevant lesson I have learned, and one that can make me both a stronger (and better) athlete and person. On top of that, I need an outlet to dispose of these thoughts so that I can move onwards.

For the last several weeks I have felt a strong sense of disappointment. It sits at my core and reflects itself in everything I do. I can't pinpoint whether it is directed towards one individual in particular, or whether I am feeling disappointed in myself. This feeling has been eating away at me, from bringing out foul moods when I should be joyful, to reducing me to near tears and frustration while dealing with a flat tire. This is not how life should be- I should be soaking up every long run through the beautiful pacific northwest, and laughing at my inability to use a CO2 cartridge and subsequently hitch-hike home a greasy mess from Central Saanich. Disappointment is breeding negativity, and negativity is certainly not welcome here.

I have been confused, hurt, blindsided to say the least, and left with this consuming feeling. Am I disappointed in myself because I should have been smarter than that? Or am I pointing the finger at another? What I've realized now, and what the lesson is, is what does it even matter? Ok, you're disappointed and not yourself.... now what the hell are you going to to about it? I think that this applies to many athletes in the world of injury. We are so critical and demanding of our bodies that every little break and tear we immediately seek to blame ourselves. But we have to stop being so self-critical! Yes, something shitty happened... but as an athlete you are so much stronger than that one misstep, rise above and make that next game plan. What can you do to help yourself? This is as simple as fall down seven times, stand up eight. It may even be possible to find some valuable lesson from the situation, as disappointment isn't called the "salt" of life for no reason! Yes, in excess disappointment may burn like salt on a wound, but a little dash of it may prove to help keep us on track. Without disappointment and failure you never get to truly know what hard work is, or how sweet success can taste.

So what am I doing? Simply putting my head down and doing work. I plan on kicking this disappointment in the ass, and keeping my head positive when my mind begins to wander into self-doubt. Motivational mantras or even reflecting upon a few short things I am grateful for seem to be doing the trick. Above all, have courage, and be kind to yourself. No one ever said that running that extra mile was ever easy.

Thanks for reading

Just let it go

Those four words. I've never been very good at following their directions. "Just let it go," you say, oh how very simple that seems until we are faced with the actual act of letting said thing fall to the wayside. Be it goals, ambition, a race or even a personal matter, letting go of things is always easier said than done. Except in my case with blogging...  I suppose the ease of loosening your grip on something depends on just how much it means to you. The deeper something is intertwined into your being, the harder it becomes to cut away those ties and escape to see things from a new perspective. This is how I define my relationship with sport. At first running, and now triathlon was not just something I did for fun, it was, and still is a huge part of my identity as a person. I cannot "just let it go."

This past spring forced me to take a step back due to severe illness and I had to learn that it was OK not to train 2-3hrs a day, not to spend my day revolving around school, training and appropriate recovery time. Life had dealt me a tricky set of cards and I needed to learn how to prioritize, and put what was most important, which was my health, at the top of the list. I spent almost a month of going in and out of the doctor's office, hospital and sleeping for hours on end throughout the day. My life went on hold: school, training, everything and it was so beyond any of my control. And in the end, everything was OK. The mental struggle over not training and chasing my goals finally calmed down and I learned once again to focus on the long term. Instead of forcing myself into a situation that was not ideal for my health and attempting to train through it, and believe me- I initially tried so hard to battle through the fatigue to get that 30min run in (which yes, would only exasperate the situation and stall my recovery)- I simply let go of the now and looked at the bigger picture. Because in reality, how am I to say that in x years I will be on my way to Kona? Yes, that is my goal in the sport and I chase it daily, but it can't consume my life to the point where I risk my health to get in that next workout. I love this lifestyle and to quote Simon Whitfield, I love and thrive off of "the pursuit of excellence."

I think I have finally learnt how to put things in perspective and sort through what matters in this game of life. Hacking through a 3+hr ride on 4hrs of sleep (yes, I was doing this) is not the kind of material that will get me anywhere in the sport. I now know that a proper 8hr sleep would have served my body so much better than straining it through a workout that probably resulted in losses rather than gains. In dealing with a current injury I am probably for the first time in my life able to sit back and not push to train through it. I've already had one solid race this season, and if I'm patient and rehab properly, I may be able to get in another decent race. I live for the progress and journey, and with it come setbacks to which I have to be equipped to deal with. If I am not able to let go of the small things, how will I ever be able to progress as an athlete, never mind a person!?

The same thoughts apply not just to training and racing, but to everyday life as well. I have found myself thinking more about the bigger picture and doing things that make me happy. Yes it is important to have some give and take and do things for others, but your life can't revolve around making others happy. Making changes to who I surround myself with and the energy of those people has made a huge difference. I have fought long and hard to fit certain people into my life (to what benefit to me I'm not sure), only resulting in lost energy and an ultimate drop in my own self-respect. Letting go of that fight has been hard and is still something I am continuously working on. Surrounding yourself with kindness and compassion from both your own self and from others is key. Just let it go. Think big picture and ultimately, think about what is best for yourself. Just like when in an airplane, put on your oxygen mask before you help others. If you aren't functioning to your best, how in the world can you properly help others and reach your highest potential?